3 posts tagged “other saminda”
The Volley:
This second business-related exchange somehow involved a reply. The first mail was about some earnest young Sri Lankan chap looking for a job at the other Saminda's firm.
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My reply:
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Dear Janaka,
Thank you for your correspondence, I am pleased to hear
of your interest of a role within our company. In regard to your
stipulations:
- Products: Yes, I am sure you will be able to
sell our products though I should mention that our focus has shifted
from Softwares (thanks for noting the proper plural form of software as
we do have several different softwares) into a different realm:
industrial-strength lube packaged for normal household consumption. As my associates have come to know, I have developed a strong affinity for lube
in all its forms in my personal endeavors and have convinced senior
management to change our company's charter to focus on bringing lube in large tubs to every home that we can muster. Trust me, once you have an industrial-strength vat of lube
in your home, you'll be surprised at how quickly you'll go through it.
And that consumption rate is accelerated for pet owners.
- Salary: I believe we can accommodate your salary requirement if
you are open to more flexible manner in which we manage our finances
here. Janaka, as you know lube doesn't grow on trees (well, not yet but maybe someday..) and purchasing several thousand tons of lube has a cost. So we have exhausted our capital and cash reserves and no longer can pay our employees actual money -only lube. You will receive
1.25 metric tons of lube each month as your standard salary, with additional bonuses and commissions also paid -in lube.
While I am excited at what you and I can do with lube in the future, Janaka, I have to express one reservation. Several times in your cover letter, you refer to me as "u". What the fuck is that about? Is is that much trouble to spell out two other fucking letters "y" and "o" in a request for employment? Are we fucking chatting on-line like were BFF? Have you even seen my myspace page? I don't think we're that friendly yet, Janaka. But the lube can change all that. It can change everything..
Please contact my assistant tomorrow to schedule an appointment. I usually emerge from my molten lube bath around 9am and have all orifices empty by 10. I look forward to meeting with you.
Regards,
Saminda
p.s. "..N Best Regards"? Jesus..
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And his!:
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Janaka
Yeah. Unbelievable.
That's it for now. I haven't been the other Saminda for a while but we'll see..
The First Time:
So after resisting the pull of my cyber-doppleganger throughout his college years, I decided to engage once I saw he had entered the working world. I received the following email sent to other Saminda regarding the transfer of some land.
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Dear Saminda,
Further to the telephone conversation I had with you on Friday 16th March 2007 ,please note that the following have to be attended to finalise the checking of title of the land at TB Jaya Mawatha-:
1.The tree mortgages in favour of Union Bank to be cancelled
2.Extracts from the Land Registry covering a period of 30 years to be submitted. What has been submitted to us start from 1981
3.The endoresement on the plan to be corrected
4.The local authority certificates to be in the name of the company
regards,
Sepali
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I replied with the following:
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Dear Sepali,
Thank you for your correspondence. Further to the
telephone conversation I had with my wife on Monday March 19th, please
note that I must attend to the following matters before finalising your
affairs:
1) My wife has alerted me that she has been having an affair with
our servant Nalaka for the past 18 months. She advised that my tongue
was a "useless instrument" and that Nalaka "does her right". In light
of her discovery, she has posited the following:
- She has asked me to move out of our house with all of my
belongings but requested that I keep behind the large industrial size lube I purchased for her and her special toy "Mr. Wonders"
-
She has requested to keep both the cars, the coupe and the sedan, because
she sometimes likes to feel "sporty" and sometimes feel "classy"
2) My boss has informed me that I am being dismissed on
charges of embezzlement and fraud. He has pointed to recent
unsubstantiated purchases on company credit I have made including:
- Several vats of "Make the O-Face Lube"
- Brand-new Mercedes Benz sedan and coupe
(He also noticed all the cash from the company safe has been emptied and replaced with chocolate gold coins)
Currently, I am in the process of acquiring large amounts of kerosene so I can burn down my house, the cars, and belongings. I thought of using gasoline but I wanted a slower-burning fuel and something that would mix better with the lube to create more of an amber glow.
After I attend to these matters, I will be going away for a long, long time Sepali so I won't be able to finalise your affairs. It's probably a good thing because I would have just embezzled any shadow profits from the acquisition anyway. Yes, Sepali, I'm a bad man and I also like to pee on people.
Regards,
Saminda
p.s. I stole your watch during lunch.
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I didn't receive a reply.
The Setup:
So about five years ago, I registered for my gmail address. I decided in the process to embrace my full Sri Lankan first name and abandon my "slave name". Yay.
And for the first year, things went swimmingly: normal mail from normal people I knew. Then one day, I got a mail from someone clearly Sri Lankan that was trying to reach another Saminda, the content of the email involving some college-level classwork at a Sri Lankan school. I politely replied back that they had meant to email another Saminda, letting it go as an innocent mistake.
But then over the next couple of months, I got similar school-related emails from others. I realized the other Saminda had been giving out my address as his and seemed to be continuing to do so without any intention of stopping. I continued to politely respond, requesting they let the other Saminda know.
But it didn't end. Even as I added folks to my spam list, I continued to get more mails from new people trying to reach the other Saminda, some of which extended beyond school work. I got one with, well Sri Lankan porn images, and it wouldn't have been so bad except that Sri Lankan porn is -well, really crappy apparently. Damn, step it up, my people!
Anyway, at a loss at fight it, I decided to go with it. So this is the story of how I became the other Saminda..
